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My Abortion: Then
and Now
 It
may be hard for some to believe, but it is comforting for me to know that Moses,
King David, and St. Paul all started out as murderers. You can call me Jane.
That's not my real name. Extreme shame keeps me anonymous.
I had an abortion when I was 19 years old,
single, a college freshman. That was 15 years ago. It has been a long journey to
healing. My first reaction to the abortion was complete relief I was ashamed to
be single and pregnant. I had to do something quick. For 10 years following the
abortion, I was in denial. I did not let my abortion experience bother me. I
told myself it was okay, I had a good reason (so I thought). I pushed it out of
my thoughts. It was my body. It was legal so I wouldn't be breaking the law.
These were the thoughts that I used to justify my "choice
Mound the time when I wanted to have kids, I
began to morally have a problem with abortion and my "choice". Friends would try
to comfort me when I would confide in them about the abortion. "Stop beating
yourself up" they would say. "Move on" or "it's okay, you had a good reason".
Their efforts to console me were unsuccessful. I became angry. Angry at those
who think abortion is an answer to an unexpected pregnancy. Angry at those who
deny that abortion harms women. Angry at those who are indifferent to abortion.
Why? Because I doubt they have seriously contemplated the spiritual, physical,
and psychological consequences of abortion on all persons involved.
I have now learned that the pain from abortion
manifests itself in different ways: denial, anger, depression, anxiety,
nightmares, suicidal thoughts, drug or alcohol abuse, sexual
promiscuity, low self esteem, guilt,
flashbacks. For me, it was anger and some of my friendships suffered because of
it.
No matter how many good deeds I did, I could
not take away the guilt. I went to
confession, but I did not fully accept God's
forgiveness. So the anger remained. Finally, I had to admit I needed help to
heal. Through a pregnancy center's post abortion ministry, I came to
know my God, my healer.
Of course, facing my abortion "choice" was
bittersweet because I had to experience sorrow and mourn the loss of my baby,
Tabitha, before I could experience joy and peace.
God did not abandon me during the sorrow and
mourning. I felt an incredible closeness to God throughout the counseling
sessions at Reachout Pregnancy Center. It was actually a relief to talk about my
abortion experience, like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I could
finally tell someone who really understood my sorrow and did not deny or excuse
it.
I praise God for he has turned my tears into
dancing. Through the post abortion healing ministry I received the gift of
peace. The "peace of God that surpasses all understanding" (Phil 4:7). I no
longer feel guilt. I am no longer angry. And now I know God will use my abortion
experience for his good purpose because "we know that all things work for good
for those who love God" (Romans 8:28).
If you are in need of healing after an
abortion, contact Reachout at 321-4300. Reachout is a nonprofit pregnancy
center. Post abortion counseling is free and confidential.
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your letter here.
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